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August 28, 2011

This is an angry scream in the dark.

"How are you feeling."
"how are you holding up."
"What's it like?"
"How do you deal with it?"
THat's my favorite.. How do you deal with it.
Let me answer You slowly. Listen.

I feel unlike myself. I feel like searing meat and cracking bone and fried nerves yawning with terrified gaping black open ohgodidontknow clawing out of my face. My back is an angry steel bar, but I still *Feel* like some version of me.
I feel like me but ripped up and too tired and with spots in my eyes.

I am holding up, just barely. I hold up better, because I'm possessed by myself and don't trust the Drugs and “prescribing off-label, " disease course bullshit that every fat, woman hating doctor shoves at my body. I am holding up because I have someone(s) who won't let me be alone even when I try to pull inside.

It's like nothing I've seen.

How do I deal with it.. Oh, christ.
You don't even know what question you're asking. How do I deal with WHAT? The pain? the never ending bills that pour in regardless of the fact that I'm too broke to Feed myself, and can't ask my family for help?
How do I deal with the humiliation of all the things that can and do go wrong? fuck.
How do you deal with your daddy issues?
How do You deal with being morbidly obese?
How do you deal with the fact that that habit you have will mean that if you ever reproduce, your children will be fucked up forever?
I DEAL. It's all new and somehow not. I'm used to dealing with broken, fucked up shitty things. I'll deal with this as it comes. I'll pull into my minds eye and become the chaotic force of nature that I am that burns and explodes and can't hate and is Dharma and balance and wind and rain.
I deal.I'll keep dealing, even if this never stops and I watch the person closest to me manifest my future with their present.
We all deal.

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