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July 12, 2011

never say I didn't tell you. part two.

Part two, day one.(is that how I'm supposed to do this?)

Depression: It builds up over years and years, I had a wad of depression by the time I was 14, and I carried it around long enough it's weight felt like my own legs.I was okay with it...but it started to get heavy.. and heavier.. Then I started to hurt constantly 3 years ago... This last 15 week period I found out the pain in my face was Trigeminal Neuralgia, then that I had MS..( they come as a package deal)an, I think, the icing on the cake was an abortion that I really wasn't wanting combined with feeling like I'd disappointed someone I loved . Getting pregnant on accident isn't easy for anyone,I don't draw up all sorts of ugly things , hurtful things get said.
All that built up and sucked me dry, like a well that didn't ever have much water to spare.
I just woke up one day and didn't want to live anymore. But I did, for 3 weeks, never getting out of bed and being able to really feel, not wanting anything, and when i did, never having the energy to do it or ask for it. I must of put my friends through hell. I know Kyle felt it.I looked in the mirror and hated myself, cried for no reason,yelled at people I adore.
4 nights ago, I tried to walk in front of a bus, but just stopped myself, in favour of going home and pulling an OD.
The desire to die was everywhere, but I knew I didn't really want to be dead i, some part of me : the emotional side of me wanted to, wanted to kill me, had seen enough.
The logical side knew this was really fucking stupid, thank god.
At midnight on Thursday, I was caving in , in Daniel's car, telling him the truth: He knew. well, he had a small grasp.
There aren't many resources for actively suicidal people,other than the ER. We looked around, and it was a wast of time.
That's how I ended up on this hold . I wanted to kill myself. No overdramatization,no joke.

The Wellbutrin seem to be doing its job, Thank gods.I do feel less depressed, but that could also be because the pain is managed.

It's 9:55 pm: I'm going to call Jeff,miss the fuck out of someone,and wait for this Oxy to kick in. good night.

That's day one. This is weird to do, but I said I'd do it.
A really dear family member died today, and they will be so very missed. It makes me feel emptier than usual. The world is emptier. Things are getting better,I'm growing and handling things in a better way, early mornings, early nights.Yoga. Doing things i love again, looking for writing opportunities I would have otherwise let slip by in the haze of depression.

Kyle's in the other room. I hear him breathing. I should be sleep-breathing too.
Goodnight, dear friends.

1 comment:

Trinity said...

I wish i could write about my day as well as you can