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December 18, 2009

thus far, and no more. for now.

I'm what could call a terminal self loather.i come by it honestly, really, but i won't go into that now.
I will tell you what I'm done doing, however.
I'm done with chain smoking.
i'm done with hating not being paler, tanner, having perfect non-graying hair. I'm done with hating my not-so even skin-tone. I'm done allowing a lack of sex to rule how i see my self. I'm done with red meat, fast food, and drinking myself stupid.I'm finished with constant comparisons to others i see as better. I'm done with not getting off because the other person won't try.
I'm too old to allow all these negatives to control me, damage me. I'm done with buelemia.I've had that evil bitch of a disorder for years, and JUST TONIGHT found out that it can kill you in just 1 binge/purge cycle.
I'm finished fearing men as much as I love them.
I don't want to see them as a staring pack of blue-grayish tallish movement and shot-haired machismo.
I want to see them as my friends, partners in crime, intellectual equals,brothers and lovers. They and I both deserve that.
(I'd like to say to my male friends, You guys are the bomb. you've held me together when I needed it,opened jars, walked me to my car, and not let me get away with kicking my own post-feminist crazy ass.You guys are the caring shadow that fills me with calm when my own sleep is just a fucked up reliving of old pain. you are proof that men. ARE. amazing, and I love you.
I will feel better, run more, fuck more, hate less. I will be better. Watch me.
On a side note... I know I've lacked my funny lately, and I'm sorry. I've been in an angry place, and That, THAT is what I'm rectifying.
I gotta sleep sometime, don't I?
peace, bitches.

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