Search This Blog

December 21, 2009

110 things old people can get away with and you can't

1.Go to a 4-star restaurant and demand apple-sauce as a side.

2. Shamelessly fart in public.

3.Forget names you should know multiple times in the same interaction and never, ever apoligize.Because you are old.

4.Throw archaic racial epithets into comfortable everyday conversations, and never risk correction.

5.Pinch/scream at/insult other peoples children without conciquence in public places, like the grocery store.
(god, i wish i could do that...)

6.Return any item purchased to a big-box store like HEB, Walmart, or Fred Meyer, and see the clerk ACTUALLY give you money back.

7.Stop trimming superfluous hair. Nosehair, earhair,liphair? Who gives a shit. Let it grow to magnificent,uncharted lengths. You have earned it.

8.Openly shoplift whatever you can pick up. Everyone will assume you just forgot it was in your hand.

9.Never program a DVD player, set a clock, or read a manual. Instead, walk into any store that sells any of those things, and look helpless and confused until someone does it for you.

10.Openly discuss bowel issues in public with anyone who will listen. Include color, mass, and time between!

11. At family holiday parties, make sure to bring up ex wives/husbands/dates, and discuss pros and cons in front of the new sig. other until ultimate discomfort levels are attained. Blame the wine. Fuck it. blame the ex.

12.Talk ad-nausium about felt,stamps,dead relatives,or the Delaware drought or 1937 and ignore the glazed-over eyes, and slipping into death-throws of those around you.

13.Nothing needs to match, or be situationally appropriate. polyester shirt +sweatpants+ugg boots at midnight mass=totally fine.Your old! taste is for pussies!

14 A Walmart shopping trip is an adventure. Call a long-distance relative, and give them a play-by-play.

15. Any child in your home will be fed candy,soda, and cough-drops until they throw up.
Suggest that the upset parent is "too restrictive". also,"sugar gives them energy".
(The same applies to post-bedtime sundaes.) This also has the wonderful affect of making you the coolest old person EVER in the eyes of the child.

16. Send age/gender inappropriate gifts to relatives. Vegetarian gay nephew? send a sausage tray, and "Men are from mars, Women are from Venus: The couples workbook. Still manage to get a thank you card.

17. Always be cooler than your own kids, because,goddamnit, you remember 70 decades!

No comments: