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December 26, 2011

Apathy pit tastes like cocoa!

I need to shower, but fuck it , I'm in an apathy pit. Sadly, I can't even be properly apathetic. My "I don't give a fuck " outfit is color coordinated. Down to the slippers, I've selected Jeff"s brown plaid sleep pants, an off white tank top, and a tan zip-up sweater, Brown slippers. Goddamn, even my apathy is neurotic.
I'm not sure exactly how I came to be in the apathy pit.
It's not like I gave up on everything, I still get up, work out, sweep up the cat hair that our floor is composed of and go to my job where I serve booze to rude, intitled jackasses. I just started to trudge through everything.
It's a special blend of apathy+depression+control freak.
Here's the deal.
I need to finish a book I'm writing.
The video-blog thing that Jeff` and I are doing is an awesome idea and we should spend more time on it.
Instead of bar tending in a smoke-filled hole, I should find way to use my educated, creative geek brain to make money.
I should take a goddamned shower. fuck , I need to fix something in the goddamned shower.
***Also, stop cursing so much? no, fuck that noise.
SO. Why am I not doing this stuff? I need to pull my shrunken ass off this weird velvet couch and get to work.
(Part of Apathy Pit seems to be deciding that eating takes to much effort, so I now weigh under a hundred pounds..But I'm okay with that part.)
In other news, Its the day after The Holiday When We Buy Shit For People. and I suppose it went as well as can be expected. Christmas, I think, loses it's appeal as we age. It never had much appeal to me. I'm not going to launch into a David-Sedaris-style "blah, blah, christmas, Blah, my family" diatribe right now, I'll save that. Instead, I'm going to take that shower, fold some laundry, write stuff for that video blog, probably succumb to apathy, have a camel, and watch Star Trek, TNG in my underwear.
That's a start, Right? Apathy pit hasd become pretty deep.
Hey, By the way, I love you guys. really. Hope you all had a great holiday. seriously.

December 11, 2011

every night, yo.

i get home at four Am.
Off work by 2:50, go to Beatnix for foods with Kash and matt.Say hello to the people I love, girls with wild hair, boy musicians in sweaters. The semiusual thing now. I eat my cheeseburger. I allow myself one, just every now and then.
Strip of jacket, jeans, sweater, bra. All smell of smoke and a hundred peoples drunk evening.I'm exhausted.
I Think of yoga, but don't, I can't feel awake enough to do that. I kiss my cat, turn on my computer, plod to the bathroom and wash my face. I can't not do this, wash and moisturize. Face. Under-eyes, shoulders, breasts. My skin has a lovely gold, smooth hue. I want to keep it.h
Michelle sleeps like the dead as I plod back, and , switching out the light, take Lyrica and Flexeral by the light of my Toshiba. This is my evening, 4 nights a week.
I am Tired to my core. I love you. Good night

December 10, 2011

To Seek

As long as I can remember I've been looking: In cracks in concrete, hole in walls, the crooks of peoples elbows.
I'm simply looking for something to see. Something out of the ordinary. Not beautiful or life-changing, maybe just something unexpected or clever.
Sometimes these things are tangible; an old ear ring, years abandoned, keys, I once found a tiny egg dressed in a suit that had been an advertising gimmic for Eggland's Best. I'll keep them. No reason, I know it's odd, But I found them, and no-one else did.
Some are not things I can take in my hand. I've found crooked teeth in a beautiful face of a person who won't smile to show them, 3 freckles in a cluster.. The way the grass lays down around a tree, and how it looks and feels special.
I can't stop looking for things. I feel like i HAVE to, I must. Maybe part of me still believes I'll find something magical, maybe I'll see a fairy. Maybe I think we all spend too much time focused on Allthatstuffwewantgetitdoitbethere. So I'll keep looking in the slats of old wood floors for anything. I'll know what I'm looking for when I find it, and it will belong to me.

December 8, 2011

My mother the ship

You silly bitch, daring.
all your lies, we flung ourselves our like
dandilion puffs from you,
Texas, Jakarta, Maryland.

We see you in screaming fits in nightmares, that thin overbleached little ponytail mocking style like it had a better Idea, bobbing in outdated stupididty.
Large, penduloius breasts swinging inside cheap men's shits, devoid of the sweat of work.

I remember pills in our food: that horrible crock-pot
.being sent to step over dead goats on 2 acers of worthless land
YOu drinking constantly under the lie that it was good for your kidneys
I can't relive your husband. he's dead, silly man.
you put me in his bed to rub his"feet".
I left you
i lied to you I ran.


Happy holidays. I am your worst fear.
Alive
Brilliant
driven
a witch
When I die, i'll choose, not you.

Silly bitch.
You hang in so small, so delicate a balance.

Merry Christmas.

December 2, 2011

Colours





What do you do when your body wages war against it's self


What if you mind has always done so

How do you cope because your own fear of failure
cripples you under a table.

I'm broken down but I'm praying my true nature

Blows out of me bright light christmas lights in a cold ghetto
I hope I can hold on a little while, not blow the people I love away from me
it's been locked in here to long, this bit of my soul
while i drink and flirt and smile
I'm older than I let on
So much character work,
so much stoic bullshit
It's important to make money
so I do it. I don't hate it.
I give away smiles and laughter, and listen
but this little box inside.
My soul pinched away. I'll keep that, thank you
Because as my body breaks and

my mind slips
slowly
slowly
like sand to the bottom of a hill after a rain
I will still have those brightly coloured lights inside me

November 16, 2011

The spirtit of 1909

Often head and seldom seen
I live in spaces in between
Like cliche'd wind under the rafters
I fill silent rooms with quieter laughter
When pain strikes at nerves and others pause
My soul speaks out and gives you claws
to grasp at life and screaming strike
out at the dying of the light
I stand in curtains
shadows
stairs

Most others unknowing
unaware
I stand real as love,
as death camps
as a gentleman's charms
The transpsarent man with tattoed arm
tan and tall, here and dead
a ghost in the dark
a voice in your head
some promises refuse to fade
and cling like a tired man to shade
I hold fast;remaining hard as stone
Because of 6 dying words
"until you're safe, I won't leave you alone".

November 4, 2011

Well,That Was Stupid.

The following was written while I was still really sedated at the ICU . Things are slightly different now, and I'm sorry if I haven't communicated with people exactly what's going on on all fronts but, hey, It's my shit. I Stopped breathing twice, almost died, and my world exploded a little. Pardon some of the sub-par spelling,and I want to say thank you, THANK YOU to my friends that I talked to while I was exploding in pain . I really needed you guys.
I'll update this later.

.




don't remember any of the 1s of novemver. The pain was so bad on halloween night, that I was,frantic,
Terrified
Almost insane. If I didn't have dear friends, one in particular, I would be taking a
dirt nap..It seems like There were drug interactions and, yea, I may have taken too many in my pain stuper and stopped breathing. Fortunately, one of my friends called the EMS.I barely remember being intabaited, just the feeling of cold something being jammed down my throught. My mouth is shredded.
Im talking to you while sitting on th ICU cot. All of my friends are at
work,,and Im forced to wait for my partners mother, who Im SURE hates me,for god knows what reason reason.
Who needs one. I have to change how I and where I live now. I can't stay where I know My partners mother loathes me, so I have to look at moving. Fun, yea? As for HOW I live? Hey. I take my meds, i don't over work much and GUESS WHAT. I am no going to stop going. I'v got books to write,people to love, and things to say. Pain or know, Im GONNA kick lifes ass until i cant move my body any more.




ing me i had the balls
to fight through all this. THANK YOU for never letting me get away wirh kicking my pwn asa.
Thank you jeff for listening, knowing and understanding everything that I was going through. I couldn't of done any of this isn't you I love you and I turn off th
l